Racist Shunned by Community for Discrimination

Posted on by Jiffy

Shame

An internet racist today was shamed and ostracized by his racist chat group for terrible prejudices against people not of his own race.

“It’s truly horrendous,” one bystander had to say, as he spit shined his statue of Hitler.

“Can’t he just give somebody a chance and not judge them for the color of their skin?” asked another man who has nothing to do with this story and has had no contact with anybody in it.

We here at Faik.news condemn all forms of racism and encourage racists to stop being so racist, and start being just a little less racist. A little bit everyday can help so much.

“Sí señor, I am so sad.”

— the Victim

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Capes Confirmed for Giant Blankies

Posted on by Jiffy

Bankies not just for babies

According to Dr. Jan Janson, who heads up the quiltology department of the School of Cuddling at Oxford, capes were simply enormous bankies nobles would take with them should nappies occur.

In his forthcoming book, “How Naps Fixed the World,” Dr. Janson suggests that noble classes of Europe were able to take advantage of the rest of the population on account of “not being tuckered out or irritable all the time, crying like little babies.”

Dr. Janson: “They also had soft leathers strapped to their sword hilts in the shape of nipples. They’d gnaw and suck on that for hours as they floated away snug as a bug.”

We tried extracting more information out of Dr. Janson but it was 1pm and he promptly ushered us out of his office.

 

 

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New Study Finds Alzheimer’s Risks for Fear of Alzheimer’s

Posted on by Jiffy

A new study out of Hope Medical University suggests people who are terrified of developing Alzheimer’s are 17 times more likely to be affected by the debilitating and humiliating disease.

Dr. Gladstone, lead researcher of the study, had this to say, “yeah you know, it’s really quite sad but I’m just happy I don’t fear it, my parent’s never had it so my outlook is good.”

When asked what the best course of action might be, perhaps mental health counseling or more social interaction, Dr. Gladstone had this to say:

“I mean really the best the fearful can hope for is a quick death, honestly, you can just load up a revolver and end it now.”

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Accidental Police Shooting Kills Over 87 People, 2 Masked Bandits, Injures 8 Survivors

Posted on by Jiffy

Police arrived at the scene of a reported bank robbery at 2:07pm in Douglas County, West Virginia just outside Asheburg. They had been dispatched to the location after a whispered and hurried 911 call placed from within the bank suggesting bank robbers with medical-grade facemasks were currently holding everyone hostage.

Officer Ramsey, who was at the scene: “Yeah, we couldn’t tell who was who, ya know, we just try our best and sometimes that doesn’t completely work out. But hey, at least we got the bank robbers too!”

“It was a nightmare,” says the unfortunately injured bystander who wishes to remain anonymous, “see, my husband Tom and I were just there to cash a damn check! And now he’s dead! They required us to wear masks, I don’t understand…” At this point she was screaming and we couldn’t understand very much else through the snot bubble on her face and mouth.

Chief of Police and Mayor declined to comment though they may have been bums, can’t be sure on account of the masks.

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